'Lohan Phone Home...'

Anyone else watch ‘Lindsay Lohan’s Indian journey’ the other night? Oh, it was painful. Note to Lindsay Lohan’s CV constructor – remove ‘journalist’ section… (and actually maybe also ‘actress’ whilst you’re at it..,oh, and ‘singer’… – best stick with stuff you know she’s good at – like looking emaciated).
Poor old Lohan hasn’t had the best stories in the media recently. Falling out of clubs into cactus patches, indecently revealing yourself at fashion shows and looking like you may either break in half or just float away (oh yes please…) just doesn’t bring in the film roles apparently. Well slap me up with a feathered hat and call me Charlie.
So what did the clever girl go and do to solve her woes? A documentary of course! (Ok cool…) In India (Hmm, I see where this is going…), with abused children (surprise surprise…told you I knew where this was going…), where the situation reaches such an emotional climax that Mother Lohan breaks down, sobbing whilst cradling a small, slightly bewildered child on her lap (The child was probably thinking ‘you were ok a second ago when the camera wasn’t rolling…?’).
‘The Mean Girls’ actress - which despite being a film she did in 2004 is still the one she is always referred against (now what does that say…) - certainly made a poignant point with her work. Celebrities who are skinnier than the poverty stricken and devastatingly hard-up people they interview in places like India and Africa, should either immediately donate all food they refuse to eat for their glamour purposes – or the money they no doubt save from not having to buy food – to these people, and more importantly; KEEP WELL AWAY BECAUSE THEY LOOK REVOLTING AND EMPHASISE HOW STUPID THEY REALLY ARE.
You can imagine the conversation, “Oh no thank you, no emergency supplies for me! I am not one of the victims silly! I am Lindsay Lohan! I look like this because it looks cool in the fashion world and means that I can not only hang out with people like Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie who despite being equally as rich as I, are also equally as skeletal, but it also means I can get away with buying hardly any clothes! In a material sense I mean – I spend thousands and literally get hardly anything as there is nothing to cover! Those clever designers and their ‘let’s trick people into thinking its fashionable to have no body mass’ ways…man, they are raking it in right now…”
Furthermore, Lohan was crap. Not only did she arrive into India after all the action had gone down (raids to save the trafficked children and bring them back to their parents) which no doubt ended up having to be covered by a real professional…she asked poor questions, looked uncomfortable, particularly bog eyed and alien-like (I’m thinking this is maybe a starvation thing? Although the children looked considerably healthier than her…!) and completely fake and delirious within her emotions. If it was an act, it was poor. If it was real – she really needs to work on how she presents herself to other people, as she REALLY gives the wrong impression.And that's so unlike Lindsay...
Lastly, a game for the saved children arranged by Lohan! Ohh, the excitement - what could it be? Stuck in the mud maybe? ‘It’? Perhaps some classic ball kicking or Frisbee throwing? Maybe she’s brought Monopoly?
But no. Instead, a fav I think of Miss Lohan's, the ‘take pictures of me’ game. That’s right, she bought out a camera and let the children take photos, of her. Whoa…the fun… Sure, I am certain it was very exciting for the one child that got to participate in the game. However, for the hundreds that had to stand around that child and look as though they were enjoying themselves – now THAT was acting – Lohan, take notes.
So my final opinion on the whole sorry affair (for the children I mean, who had to put up with yet more of this celebrity sh*t), Lindsay Lohan, phone home. Ask them to send your private jet to collect you and leave. And never, ever return.

(You can still check out this documentary on the BBC iPlayer: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00rvbtl/b00rvbtg/Lindsay_Lohans_Indian_Journey/ - Just do it for the sheer amusement. And who knows, you may accidentally even learn something...)